Tired of waiting endlessly in Parkway traffic on your way down the shore? If you're like most of us, there's a good chance you've spent countless hours staring at the back of the same bumper, riding your rake and have possibly developed a minor case of whiplash from the top-and-go that one encounters while attempting to arrive at the New Jersey Shore.
Travelers fear no more! I have the solution:
- THE GUIDO EXPRESS LANE --
The proposed Guido Express Lane, or G.E.L., is structured identically to the H.O.V. lanes introduced in the late 90's across much of NJ, NY and PA. The following requirements for access to the G.E.L. will apply to all vehicle occupants:
- Cut-off shirts or wife beaters must be worn at all times. If the vehicle is a convertible, no shirts are allowed at all.
- Capri pants must be worn. Addidas pants are acceptable only with matching jackets and a Kangol hat.
- All vehicle occupants must have identical haircuts - spiked all around (including the back) or must have shaved heads. All sideburns must be shaved to a point.
- All body hair must be completely shaven.
- All vehicles in the G.E.L. must be considered "exotic" or "luxury cars," but must be paid for by the driver's parents.
- Vehicle must contain at least 13 pounds of fake silver bracelets and necklaces. Necklaces may only be loose enough to allow minimal breathing.
- Should any member(s) of the vehicle fail to comply with any one of the aforementioned requirements, said member(s)will receive a two-month suspension from Joey's in Clifton and Tempts.
In addition to the obvious ecological benefits, the proposed G.E.L. would also provide the following free of charge:
- Upon entering the G.E.L., the vehicle's radio would automatically be tuned to a satellite feed of "shiny discoballs" or "darkbeat" (you get a choice of either one).
- The center divider would be lined with Sunburst Ultra Sun 4000 series tanning lamps which would run 24 hours a day to ensure a perfect pre-beach/club complexion.
To become a G.E.L. member, you must be Italian (or try really hard to look Italian) and test positive for steroids.
So the next time you're at a dead stop at exit 117 for two hours, take a note, call your congressman and tell him "yes" to the G.E.L.